Are you in need of a good laugh? With a wide list of humorous quotations that make you laugh out loud, we’ve got you covered.
Laughter is, without a doubt, the best therapy for the soul.
Not only does laughter relieve stress, but it also reduces blood pressure, works your abs, and releases endorphins.
So take a look at these 300 hilarious quotes, sayings, and comments, and start laughing right now.
250 +Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.__Zach Galifianakis
Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.__Larry David
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. – Rodney Dangerfield
If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.___Larry David
I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk. – Larry David
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.___Bill Maher
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.___Bill Maher
If you think you have it tough, read history books.___Bill Maher
This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.___Bill Maher
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’___Conan O’Brien
The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.___Conan O’Brien
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.___Lily Tomlin
I’m in shape. Round is a shape.– George Carlin
The road to success is always under construction.___Lily Tomlin
Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.― Suzanne Collins
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.― Phyllis Diller
Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.― Suzanne Collins
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.― George Carlin
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.___Naguib Mahfouz
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.― Mark Twain
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?___Lily Tomlin
Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.__Gilbert Gottfried
If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.___Gilbert Gottfried
I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood.___Seth MacFarlane
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.― Ellen DeGeneres
Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.___Tina Fey
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.___Steve Martin
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.___Joan Rivers
Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.___Mae West
They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.― John Green
I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.___Marc Maron
Procrastinate now, don’t put it off. – Ellen DeGeneres
Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.___Margaret Culkin Banning
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.___Matt Groening
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.___Steve Martin
The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.___Jon Stewart
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.___Jon Stewart
If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people.___Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.___Woody Allen
Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.___Woody Allen
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.___Bill Murray
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.___Bill Murray
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.___Jon Stewart
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.___Mike Myers
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.– Milton Berle
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?___Milton Berle
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.___Milton Berle
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.___Phyllis Diller
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.___Redd Foxx
When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.___Richard Lewis
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.___Rita Mae Brown
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.___Rita Rudner
I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it. – BIll Murray
Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.___Will Ferrell
Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.___George Eliot
You can’t fix stupid. – Ron White
Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.___Thomas Sowell
If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.___Dick Cavett
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.___Sid Caesar
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.___Jay Leno
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.___Mae West
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.___Franklin Jones
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.___Demetri Martin
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.___Dave Barry
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.___David Lee Roth
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.__Douglas Adams
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.___Earl Wilson
I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact. – Elon Musk
A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.___Eleanor Roosevelt
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.___Emo Philips
I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone. – Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.___Demetri Martin
I live about four muggings from Central Park.___Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.___Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.___Henny Youngman
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.____Ron White
DeBeers should change it’s motto to ‘Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!’___Ron White
I wouldn’t camp out for five days if was… camping.___Ron White
I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.___Mitch Hedberg
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.___Don Marquis
A waist is a terrible thing to mind. – Karen Scalf Linamen
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.___H. Kyle Seale
Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.__Mark Twain
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.___Jim Davis
Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.___Joan Collins
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.__John F. Kenendy
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.__Lawrence Ferlinghetti
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.___Peter Cook
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.___Oscar Levant
Trying is the first step toward failure. – Homer Simpson
A camel is a horse designed by a committee.___Sir Alec Issigonis
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.___Robert Bloch
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!___Steven Weinberg
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.___Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.___Steven Wright
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.___Abraham Lincoln
An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.___Dylan Thomas
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.___Alan Dundes
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.___Albert Einstein
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard
War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.___Ambrose Pierce
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.___Ann Landers
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A. A. Milne
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.___Abraham Lincoln
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?___Abraham Lincoln
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.___Arthur C. Clarke
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.___Bob Hope
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.___Caroline Rhea
Political correctness is tyranny with manners.___Charleton Heston
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.___Dalai Lama
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.___Dale Carnegie
Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.___Daniel J. Boorstin
Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.___Emo Philips
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.___Charles Lamb
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.___Charles Shulz
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. – George Carlin
A day without laughter is a day wasted.___Charlie Chaplin
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.___Alexander Woollcott
What’s another word for Thesaurus?– Steven Wright
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.___Gertrude Stein
All men are equal before fish.___Herbert Hoover
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.___Isaac Asimov
My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.___Jean Rostand
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.___Katharine Hepburn
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.___Erma Bombeck
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.___Francois de La Rochefoucauld
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.___Bill Waterson
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.___Laurence J. Peter
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.___Mark Twain
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.___Oscar Levant
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.___Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? – John Barrymore
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.___Ralph Waldo Emerson
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!___Tom Lehrer
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.___W. C. Fields
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.___Sam Levenson
He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.___George Bernard Shaw
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.___Will Rogers
Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded. – Yogi Berra
I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.___Henny Youngman
I am only human, although I regret it.___Mark Twain
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.____Norm Crosby
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.___Dennis Wholey
Funny Quotes from Comedians
Comedians are the best at making others laugh. After all, it’s what they do for a living!
These are some of the funniest quotations we could discover from both actors and comedians.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.___Dave Barry
Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. – Stephen Colbert
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.___David Letterman
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.___Ellen DeGeneres
can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.___Fred Allen
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.___Fred Allen
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.___George Burns
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.___Andy Rooney
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?___Benny Hill
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.___Buddy Hackett
Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.___George Burns
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.____George Carlin
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.___Jerry Seinfeld
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.__Jay Leno
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.___Jerry Seinfeld
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.___Jackie Mason
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.___Johnny Carson
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.___George Burns
When all else fails, there’s always delusion. – Conan O’Brien
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?___George Carlin
I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.– Henny Youngman
Quotes to Make You Laugh
Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.___Benjamin Franklin
Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.___Bob Thaves
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.__Casey Stengel
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.___Clarence Darrow
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.___Emo Philips
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.__George Burns
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?__George Carlin
To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.__George W. Bush
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!___Billy Connolly
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!___Groucho Marx
These drapes are awful. One of us will have to go. – Oscar Wilde
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.___Groucho Marx
Love means having to say you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.– John Lennon
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.___Rodney Dangerfield
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.___Ron White
It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?___Ronald Reagan
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.___Sam Ewing
I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.___Si Robertson
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.___Zsa Zsa Gabor
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.___Rodney Dangerfield
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.__Steven Wright
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.__Harlan Ellison
Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.___Helen Rowland
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.___Henny Youngman
Sickos don’t scare me. At least they’re committed.___Michelle Pfeiffer, Batman Returns
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.___Charles Schulz
Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.___Greg Tamblyn
Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’___Jay Leno
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.___James Thurber
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.___Betty White
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.___Clint Eastwood
The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.___Josh Billings
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.___Kin Hubbard
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.___Kurt Vonnegut
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.___Mark Twain
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.___Mark Twain
What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. – Pearl S. Bailey
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.__Miles Kington
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.__Natalie Wood
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.___Oscar Wilde
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.___Paul Fix
A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.___Fatz Domino
“Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.___Thomas Lansing Masson
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.___Robert Orben
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.___Rodney Dangerfield
If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again. – Stan Laurel
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.___Mitch Hedberg
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?___H.L. Mencken
I told you to go to Cox’s and buy a searsucker suit, but it looks like you went to Sears instead.___Jay Shulte
I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.___Michael Scott
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.___Ashleigh Brilliant
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.___Ashleigh Brilliant
You’re only as good as your last haircut. – Fran Leibowitz
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.___Winston Chruchill
f you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.___Henny Youngman
When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.___Jane Wagner
Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.___Jessica Simpson
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.___Sam Levenson
Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.___J.R. Ewing, Dallas
A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place.____Michael Douglas, Wall Street
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.___Benjamin Franklin
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.__Bryan White
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.___Carl Sagan
He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.– Charles de Gaulle
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.___E. B. White
Never have more children than you have car windows.___Erma Bombeck
I drink to make other people more interesting.___Ernest Hemingway
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.___George Carlin
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.___Groucho Marx
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.___Voltaire
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.___Groucho Marx
It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.___Ronald Reagan
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.___Derek Bok