Funny Quotes

Are you in need of a good laugh? With a wide list of humorous quotations that make you laugh out loud, we’ve got you covered.

Laughter is, without a doubt, the best therapy for the soul.

Not only does laughter relieve stress, but it also reduces blood pressure, works your abs, and releases endorphins.

So take a look at these 300 hilarious quotes, sayings, and comments, and start laughing right now.

250 +Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.__Zach Galifianakis

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.__Zach Galifianakis

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.__Larry David


I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. – Rodney Dangerfield


If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.___Larry David

If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.___Larry David

I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk. – Larry David


Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.___Bill Maher


Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.___Bill Maher


If you think you have it tough, read history books.___Bill Maher

If you think you have it tough, read history books.___Bill Maher

This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.___Bill Maher


A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’___Conan O’Brien


The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.___Conan O’Brien

The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.___Conan O’Brien

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.___Lily Tomlin


I’m in shape. Round is a shape.– George Carlin


The road to success is always under construction.___Lily Tomlin

The road to success is always under construction.___Lily Tomlin

Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.― Suzanne Collins


Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.― Suzanne Collins


The planet is fine. The people are fucked.― George Carlin

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.― George Carlin

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.___Naguib Mahfouz


If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?___Lily Tomlin


Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.__Gilbert Gottfried


If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.___Gilbert Gottfried

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.___Gilbert Gottfried

I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood.___Seth MacFarlane


Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.___Tina Fey


Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.___Steve Martin


My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.___Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.___Joan Rivers

Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.___Mae West


I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.___Marc Maron


Procrastinate now, don’t put it off. – Ellen DeGeneres


Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.___Margaret Culkin Banning

Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.___Margaret Culkin Banning

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.___Matt Groening


A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.___Steve Martin


The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.___Jon Stewart

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.___Jon Stewart

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.___Jon Stewart


If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people.___Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School


I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.___Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.___Woody Allen

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.___Woody Allen


The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.___Bill Murray


Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.___Bill Murray

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.___Bill Murray

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.___Jon Stewart


My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.___Mike Myers


A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.– Milton Berle

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.– Milton Berle

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?___Milton Berle


My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.___Milton Berle


I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.___Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.___Phyllis Diller

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.___Redd Foxx


When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.___Richard Lewis


Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.___Rita Mae Brown

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.___Rita Mae Brown

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.___Rita Rudner


I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it. – BIll Murray


Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.___Will Ferrell


Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.___George Eliot


You can’t fix stupid. – Ron White

You can’t fix stupid. – Ron White

Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.___Thomas Sowell


If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.___Dick Cavett


The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.___Sid Caesar

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.___Sid Caesar

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.___Jay Leno


Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.___Mae West


A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.___Franklin Jones

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.___Franklin Jones

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.___Demetri Martin


Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.___Dave Barry


I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.___David Lee Roth

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.___David Lee Roth

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.__Douglas Adams


If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.___Earl Wilson


I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact. – Elon Musk


A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.___Eleanor Roosevelt

A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.___Eleanor Roosevelt

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.___Emo Philips


I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone. – Demetri Martin


The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.___Demetri Martin


I live about four muggings from Central Park.___Henny Youngman


The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.___Henny Youngman


I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.___Henny Youngman


I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.____Ron White


DeBeers should change it’s motto to ‘Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!’___Ron White


I wouldn’t camp out for five days if was… camping.___Ron White


I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.___Mitch Hedberg


A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.___Don Marquis


A waist is a terrible thing to mind. – Karen Scalf Linamen


I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.___H. Kyle Seale


Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.__Mark Twain


Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.___Jim Davis


Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.___Joan Collins


Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.__John F. Kenendy


If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.__Lawrence Ferlinghetti


I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.___Peter Cook


There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.___Oscar Levant


Trying is the first step toward failure. – Homer Simpson


A camel is a horse designed by a committee.___Sir Alec Issigonis


The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.___Robert Bloch


It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!___Steven Weinberg


I intend to live forever. So far, so good.___Steven Wright


The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.___Steven Wright


The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.___Abraham Lincoln


An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.___Dylan Thomas


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.___Alan Dundes


The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.___Albert Einstein


Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard


War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.___Ambrose Pierce


If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.___Ann Landers


People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A. A. Milne


Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.___Abraham Lincoln


If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?___Abraham Lincoln


I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.___Arthur C. Clarke


A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.___Bob Hope


My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.___Caroline Rhea


Political correctness is tyranny with manners.___Charleton Heston


If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.___Dalai Lama


Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.___Dale Carnegie


Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.___Daniel J. Boorstin


Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.___Emo Philips


I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.___Charles Lamb


Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.___Charles Shulz


May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. – George Carlin


A day without laughter is a day wasted.___Charlie Chaplin


All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.___Alexander Woollcott


What’s another word for Thesaurus?– Steven Wright


Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.___Gertrude Stein


All men are equal before fish.___Herbert Hoover


People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.___Isaac Asimov


My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.___Jean Rostand


Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx


Life is hard. After all, it kills you.___Katharine Hepburn


Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.___Erma Bombeck


Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.___Francois de La Rochefoucauld


The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.___Bill Waterson


Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.___Laurence J. Peter


Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.___Mark Twain


What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.___Oscar Levant


When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.___Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh


Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? – John Barrymore


I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.___Ralph Waldo Emerson


I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!___Tom Lehrer


A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.___W. C. Fields


Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.___Sam Levenson


He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.___George Bernard Shaw


Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.___Will Rogers


Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded. – Yogi Berra


I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.___Henny Youngman


I am only human, although I regret it.___Mark Twain


When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.____Norm Crosby


Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.___Dennis Wholey


Funny Quotes from Comedians

Comedians are the best at making others laugh. After all, it’s what they do for a living!

These are some of the funniest quotations we could discover from both actors and comedians.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.___Dave Barry


Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. – Stephen Colbert


Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.___David Letterman


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.___Ellen DeGeneres


can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.___Fred Allen


The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.___Fred Allen


Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.___George Burns


The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.___Andy Rooney


Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?___Benny Hill


As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.___Buddy Hackett


Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.___George Burns


I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.____George Carlin


There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.___Jerry Seinfeld


According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.__Jay Leno


It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.___Jerry Seinfeld


Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.___Jackie Mason


If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.___Johnny Carson


When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.___George Burns


When all else fails, there’s always delusion. – Conan O’Brien


Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?___George Carlin


I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.– Henny Youngman


Quotes to Make You Laugh

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.___Benjamin Franklin


Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.___Bob Thaves


All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.__Casey Stengel


When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.___Clarence Darrow


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.___Emo Philips


You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.__George Burns


If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?__George Carlin


To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.__George W. Bush


Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!___Billy Connolly


Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!___Groucho Marx


These drapes are awful. One of us will have to go. – Oscar Wilde


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.___Groucho Marx


Love means having to say you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.– John Lennon


We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.___Rodney Dangerfield


I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.___Ron White


It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?___Ronald Reagan


Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.___Sam Ewing


I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.___Si Robertson


A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.___Zsa Zsa Gabor


When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.___Rodney Dangerfield


I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.__Steven Wright


The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.__Harlan Ellison


Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.___Helen Rowland


I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.___Henny Youngman


Sickos don’t scare me. At least they’re committed.___Michelle Pfeiffer, Batman Returns


All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.___Charles Schulz


Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.___Greg Tamblyn


Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’___Jay Leno


I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx


Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.___James Thurber


Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.___Betty White


They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.___Clint Eastwood


The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.___Josh Billings


The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.___Kin Hubbard


True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.___Kurt Vonnegut


Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.___Mark Twain


Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.___Mark Twain


What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. – Pearl S. Bailey


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.__Miles Kington


The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.__Natalie Wood


Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.___Oscar Wilde


The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.___Paul Fix


A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.___Fatz Domino


“Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.___Thomas Lansing Masson


Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.___Robert Orben


My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.___Rodney Dangerfield


If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again. – Stan Laurel


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.___Mitch Hedberg


Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?___H.L. Mencken


I told you to go to Cox’s and buy a searsucker suit, but it looks like you went to Sears instead.___Jay Shulte


I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.___Michael Scott


To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.___Ashleigh Brilliant


My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.___Ashleigh Brilliant


You’re only as good as your last haircut. – Fran Leibowitz


A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.___Winston Chruchill


f you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.___Henny Youngman


When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.___Jane Wagner


Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.___Jessica Simpson


If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.___Sam Levenson


Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.___J.R. Ewing, Dallas


A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place.____Michael Douglas, Wall Street


Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.___Benjamin Franklin


We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.__Bryan White


But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.___Carl Sagan


He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.– Charles de Gaulle


Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.___E. B. White


Never have more children than you have car windows.___Erma Bombeck


I drink to make other people more interesting.___Ernest Hemingway


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.___George Carlin


Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.___Groucho Marx


Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.___Voltaire


If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.___Groucho Marx


It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.___Ronald Reagan


If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.___Derek Bok


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