Making the decision to improve oneself and actually carrying it out might be one of life’s most satisfying experiences. We could all use some help in becoming better people.
If you’re like the rest of us, you’ve felt unfulfilled at some point and didn’t (or still don’t) feel like you’re living up to your full potential.
And, because most individuals do not believe they have the potential to alter themselves, do not be shocked if you encounter opposition along the way when you eventually dig your heels in enough to acquire some momentum.
Indeed, once you start seeing results, it can feel as if your entire social circle turns against you.
Making the decision to improve oneself and actually carrying it out might be one of life’s most satisfying experiences. We could all use some help in becoming better people.
If you’re like the rest of us, you’ve felt unfulfilled at some point and didn’t (or still don’t) feel like you’re living up to your full potential.
And, because most individuals do not believe they have the potential to alter themselves, do not be shocked if you encounter opposition along the way when you eventually dig your heels in enough to acquire some momentum.
Indeed, once you start seeing results, it can feel as if your entire social circle turns against you.
I’d want to talk about buddies today. It’s your pals, specifically, that drag you down.
Poisonous-friendship3 may be a double-edged sword when it comes to friendship.
Your buddies provide value to your life. They are the main characters in your past recollections, the days and nights that are currently unfolding, and your future plans.
Friends, however, are not always a positive influence – for a variety of reasons.
Making great improvements in your life, for example, you can still have pals who are trapped in the same rut as you were. While we love these individuals, being around them isn’t always healthy for us, and it’s critical to know how to manage that relationship if you want to thrive.
While some friends may become hostile towards you as your self-improvement progresses, the majority of the time the negativity is subtle and performed subconsciously (“oh, that’ll never work; 80% of small businesses fail,”
“just one drink; you’ve been no fun since you quit,” “why do you work so hard; stop taking things so seriously and just enjoy yourself?”). We’ve all heard that humans are creatures of habit, but we’re also animals of consistency. When someone doesn’t act the way we expect them to, our subconscious urge is to oppose.
Another reason some individuals are so averse to other people’s success is that it reminds them of their own flaws and wasted opportunities; on the other hand, some people find tremendous pleasure in other people’s failures. Jealousy, hatred, derision, gossip, passive hostile comments, verbal challenges, estrangement, and blatant sabotage are all examples of this.
The Getting Free Procedure
So, how can you make your way through this social minefield? Is it possible to save these relationships, and if not, how do you know when it’s time to say goodbye? When these relationships start to feel like a heavyweight at your feet, here’s a simple 7-step procedure you may follow to assess them.
Related: 170 C.S. Lewis Quotes
The First Step is to Recognize Conflict.
Recognizing when a relationship has become toxic is the first and most obvious step. This can be more difficult than one might imagine at times.
To begin with, every friendship has its ups and downs, and we often overlook a rise in the downs, dismissing it as routine. It’s one thing to have a few rough days, but when fighting and power struggles become the norm, it’s more than just being grumpy or requiring a few days away.
Another reason it’s difficult is that your friends’ techniques of undermining you aren’t always visible. Humans are emotional beings that communicate in nuanced ways, which is understandable given that we don’t always comprehend our own motivations.
Aside from obvious sabotage or people that pull you down because of their own self-destructive conduct, pay attention when a friend leaves you feeling more negative than good, even if it appears unintentional. Think about why and how they make you feel the way they do.
Is it starting to feel like a revolving door?
Step 2: Make an effort to comprehend them potentially toxic
When you realise that a friend is holding you back, the immediate reaction is usually anger. After all, how could they betray you by wanting anything but the best for you?
But take it easy for a moment. Refrain from becoming passionate or vindictive in return. If you seek empathy instead, you have a much better chance of keeping the friendship and possibly even coming to some new understandings of your own.
Try to figure out what’s triggering your friend’s conduct. Is it true that they are furious with you, or are they simply insecure? Is it a conscious effort to keep you down, or a natural desire to protect the friend they know and love?
First and foremost, seek the truth.
It’s also worth considering the idea that you’ve been acting differently as a result of the changes in your life, and that this is what’s bothering your friend.
For instance, I recently heard about research that found that persons who make more money drive more aggressively and that a person who wins a simple board game rigged in their favour will act more aggressive and boisterous at the table.
This was a significant “aha” moment for me because there have been occasions in my life when I’ve caught myself driving like a jerk in a nicer car.
Consider how you’ve been acting lately in light of this. Is it possible that the new positive adjustments in your life will have some bad side effects on your conduct that will irritate others? Perhaps it’s time for you to lighten up a little.
Related: Oscar Wilde Quotes
Step 3: Think About the Advantages
Consider the positive aspects of your friend’s presence in your life. Apart from the recent troubles, it’s only fair to consider how much they mean to you and all the joy and support they provide. If you dismiss this, you may undervalue them in a fit of rage, and you don’t want to make a major decision like this hastily.
Unfortunately, you may now realise that any value they formerly provided to your life has long ago vanished; sometimes that’s just the way life goes. People might change for the better, but they can also change for the worse.
Whatever the case may be, if a person adds nothing but negativity to your life, it may be time to let them go.
Related: Quotes by Bruce Lee that can help you grow as a person
Step 4: Recognize the Drawbacks
After you’ve gone over the positive aspects of this person’s presence in your life, it’s time to focus on the drawbacks.
What impact do your friend’s behaviour and attitude have on your own life and efforts to achieve self-actualization? Is it going to have a significant impact on your growth, or is it more likely to be a transient growing ache that they’ll adjust to just like they’ve always adjusted to life’s changes?
This step is where you should start thinking about how significant of a situation you’re dealing with.
However, don’t underestimate the power of your own self-esteem or the ability of others to sap your motivation with a single remark. In the same vein, if you’re attempting to kick a bad habit like drinking or doing drugs, you should be aware that old pals who continue to do so and can’t seem to get away from their demons pose a significant risk to you.
Step 5: Strive for Balance Strive for equilibrium
Before fully cutting people out of your life and burning the bridges, ponder how you may reach a more balanced approach first.
We have many types of people in our lives that we may not get along with 100 per cent of the time. Bosses and coworkers are two types of people. Sisters and brothers. In-laws. Even our own parents are not immune.
Despite this, we usually find a way to live with, work with, and even love these individuals.
Is it really necessary to toss a friendship out the window totally, or can it be redefined in some way?
Perhaps you will no longer be the type of friends that spend a lot of time together.
It doesn’t mean you can’t keep in touch — you should always have complete control over how engaged someone is in your life, and there’s nothing wrong with keeping in touch with someone at a distance. As long as you aren’t just doing it for the sake of playing games…
A pause can also be enough to trigger necessary improvements.
They may be more willing to embrace the new you after some time apart, simply delighted to have you back in their lives. In fact, during the “honeymoon” time that old friendships usually seem to go through when they reunite, they may come to the conscious awareness that, while you’ve changed, the new you is just a happier version of the old you.
Furthermore, you can sometimes start a change just by changing how you act toward the individual (especially if you realise you were a part of the problem), starting a discourse, or confronting their conduct directly. All of them are viable possibilities; it just depends on the circumstances.
Step 6: Act Accordingly and Evaluate
The next step is the most difficult after you’ve decided how you’re going to cope with a poisonous friendship. You must truly follow through with it.
But keep in mind one key fact: our most deceptive friends, the ones who are most likely to oppose change, are also the most charismatic. That means that if they catch a smell of what’s going on, they may adjust their behaviour immediately in reaction, which can be an attractive ploy.
Friendships can often mirror emotionally abusive relationships in which the abuser modifies their act as soon as the victim tries to move away, only to revert to the old routine once the distance is closed again. Sometimes they do it on purpose, and other times they simply don’t have control over their emotions.
Keeping in mind what I said about manipulators, the final decision on whether their change of heart is real or not is ultimately up to you.
If you’ve merely opted to reposition your friendship or even have a conversation with your friend to see if you can make changes that way, you’ll need to reevaluate whether or not it succeeded. If it doesn’t, you’ll probably notice right away, but keep an eye on the situation, knowing that if things don’t improve, you may have to cut the cord completely.
Step 7: Giving Up Go \sletting-go
I referenced “having a discussion” several times in this post. But I don’t want to create the appearance that I’m a jerk. The worst ways to deal with breaking away from a friendship are confrontation and criticism.
Is it really necessary to have an awkward and contentious “breakup” if you determine your life is better off without a particularly nasty relationship? I would answer no in the great majority of circumstances. This isn’t a sexual connection, and you don’t owe one other anything; friendships die all the time just by drifting apart.
When done correctly, walking away from a friendship should be almost imperceptible. If you’ve changed enough to consider breaking up with a friend, your friendship is probably just held together by old patterns and familiarity. If you let those go, your friendship will typically dissolve on its own.
There’s no reason why you can’t be respectful. Who knows, maybe you’ll reconnect as two different – yet very familiar – people down the line. There may be times when your decision is met with particularly desperate resistance, and you may have to be a little less subtle if that buddy truly needs to go, but that’s just how life works sometimes.
Friendships Have Changed Over Time
None of this is simple, and I don’t claim to have all the solutions to the tumultuous world of human relationships. In an ideal world, every one of your friends would notice the positive changes in your life and get on board, not only delighted to see you succeed but also eager to follow in your footsteps.
Unfortunately, it isn’t always the case. Many people struggle throughout their lives to find the strength to live up to their personal standards. As a result, growing and improving oneself is sometimes a solitary, even lonely endeavour.
But don’t let it get the best of you. Keep in mind that as one door shuts, another one opens. You’ll meet new people who bring thrilling new possibilities into your life as you become someone a little different. Not only that, but you’ll quickly discover who your true friends are – the ones who will stick with you to the very end.
It’s a difficult process, but it’s occasionally well worth it.
And don’t be surprised if a relationship you let go of someday comes full circle when your old acquaintance matures on their own.